Lua Hagedorn

     I’ve been born a Baha’i child. Meaning?  Born to 2 pioneer Baha’is means being taught the covenant since I could care to remember. Phases in my religious life.  Went through it all.

    Life as a Baha’i child was no different from everyone’s.  When you come from a family with 6 kids there seemed to be no need to look for playmates outside of your home. I didn’t notice that we had "weird" names and "weird" yearly habits until I started going to school. Then my first phase began. It was the " I feel so alone phase". Being a lone Baha’i in a class full of 40 christians, you can’t imagine how alone I really felt. It got worst when everyone found out I was never "baptised". Oh Wow!!! I was the only one not going to heaven. I still had the sin that our foreparents" Adam and Eve" committed. It was terrible.

    As I grew older I got used to the little petty things we missed like celebrating Christmas, sacrificing on the holy week( it was hard not to know as we lived terribly near the catholic church), not having ninong’s and ninang’s, etc. etc. After all we had our own holiday’s and the Baha’i community started getting bigger. Going occasionally to summer and winter schools was also a big bonus as I met more Baha’is.

     Then I went off to college. Silliman is a great school.  And yes I’ve met a lot of friends who up to this day remain my friends. But it can be a cruel town. Being alone  can be trying.  I had no relatives there and well,to make a long story short, I went through hard times. Maybe it was my immaturity but I actually started doubting if God actually exists. I was doing everything right? Or at least I’m constantly trying to. I do my daily prayers, try to do good every minute of my waking life, and teach the faith.  Why am I still having problems? I’m supposed to be rewarded.  Isn’t that what religions teach us in general? Why am still having problems?  I don’t know if it were my hormones, but I actually siezed believing in God.  I trully believed that life on earth is just a product of evolution and that death will be the end of it all.  And I actually didn’t care if there was life after death.  I trully didn’t give a damn.  I just thought I’ll just be like my stepdad who’s an agnostic.  He doesn’t believe in God but is one of the kindest person I know. I vowed to be good, to learn all the virtues to be used in this life, to be amiable to everyone that crosses my path, to be exemplary in my work, to have a commendable reputation not because I wanted to go to heaven after I die. I will be good because it is the correct thing to do. And if there’s life after death? As my mother-in-law always says.  Let’s cross the bridge when we get there.

     Years passed, I’m just doing my own thing. Got married, Had kids. Raised my kids the best I knew how.Of course with God in the middle of it all.  I see no reason why I should complicate their lives with my beliefs.They’re intitled to make their own complications in life.

     Half a month ago, as I was having my morning coffee in my usual spot in front of my african lovebirds cage, I started thinking about religion. I don’t know why it entered my mind.  Like a pop up icon it intruded into my thoughts. What is religion? Baha’i Faith  believes in the progressive revelation.  That God loves humanity so much that He sends a messenger time and time again to guide us humans into living our life right. It got me to think maybe it is true. Either that or it’s a product of a few demented individuals who rambled accidentally to the same tune. And I thought to myself the first probability is more logical. The fact that all religions teach being good in general can be mind boggling, It’s actually like a recipe for good life. New and improved but basically the same thing with just a few revisions to deal with the present way of life. So I decided to start searching again.  I started reading the Baha’i books I set aside.  So far I’m thankful because now I read with an unbiased mind and an open heart. I was just searching for something.  Just a clue that there’s some semblance of truth in religion.  Something for me to believe in. I’m not seaching for infallible proof.  Just a glimmer of hope.  So far I’m happy that there came a turning point in my life.  At least now I have found my peace.  Now life is so much easier to deal with. I don’t know what it is but I do feel better when I do my daily routine that Baha’i Faith suggest Baha’is  do. I don’t know where this search will lead me but wherever that is I’m sure it’s somewhere good. If this is the "prodigal daughter come back" phase, let’s see what the next few days will bring.  Bitin ba ang closing?

This entry was posted on Sunday, April 1st, 2007 at 11:33 am and is filed under Religion. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.